junk food

***This is from a note I created on FB back in January.***

I watched Jack-Attack playing today. He was playing with his shopping cart: filling it up with toys, books, etc, pushing it around the house, dumping the toys out, and starting all over. I watch him do other things, too – “read” books to himself over and over again, fill up his dump truck and push it around, take animals in and out of his barn. And then, when I’m not watching, he pulls books down off the shelf or eats something off the floor or hides his toys under the kitchen cabinet and I’m not even aware of it until the morning I pull out a muffin tin only to find it full of legos.

I enjoy watching him because he is entertaining, and amusing, and learning. I love watching him unfold and grow in those areas. I also keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or cross any boundaries I have set forth. I keep him in check. I peeked in on him while he was in nursery Sunday morning, and I watched him stand up, walk over to the wall, and sit down. Then a little girl did the same thing, followed by two other kids. I soon realized it was snack time and the teacher told them to go sit on the wall so they could hand out snacks. I beamed for the rest of the day at how well my child walked right over there after being told once, sat down, and stayed there. So obedient! Such a sweet kid!

God watched me today. What was I doing most of the time? Well, when I wasn’t snacking (on junk) or constantly refreshing my email/facebook for new stuff (also junk, really), I was glued to my TV, soaking in as much Prison Break as I could while still keeping an eye on the baby. I guess I should rephrase – I was glued to my TV, soaking in cursing and (brutal) violence and murder and torture and any number of sexual innuendo/implications while shhhhh-ing my baby if he started babbling so loudly that I couldn’t hear. Then Eric came home and, after dinner and baths and bedtime (for the little one), he needed to study and so I took my DVD of 24 (more violence and cursing and murder and brutality and torture) to the bedroom and pumped even more of the garbage into my head.

I didn’t even feel that bad about it until I realized God was watching.

I reassure myself and say, “Who cares if I watch this – I’m not going to go kill someone or curse or whatever. I’m just watching it.” But the images are still in my head, and the curse words now jump to the forefront of my mind much more quickly when I stump my toe, and I find myself very desensitized to the news and the media nowdays.

And if that damage weren’t enough, God is still watching.

I have not picked up my Bible a single time today (although I plan to after posting this). I haven’t read one line of one verse and you want to know the truth? I was halfway glad that church was canceled tonight just so I didn’t have to get dressed and be anywhere or have any real obligations of any sort. Surely I was created for something more than lounging around, feeding myself junk (literally and mentally and spiritually).

Jack learned new words today from reading his books with me, and how to play and do new things with his kitchen. I have learned nothing new today; if anything, I have deteriorated.

God is watching me, and I need to step up. I need to do things he is proud of. I want him to enjoy watching me grow and learn. To watch me obey his commands without anyone telling me to do so. To fill my heart and mind with things that are good – whatsoever things are good, whatsoever things are pure, etc. – and not things that mean so little to him (if not offend him altogether). I was given this day to do something that matters, and I wasted it. I’ve wasted a lot of them recently.

God is still watching as I write this, though, and I imagine he is smirking a little as he sees me realizing these things. It is time to make a change. It is time to make him proud of me, and to do things that matter. Let's get to it.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just,whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8